I Love You
by feyechelon
Summary: About Ryan and the reason saying I love you brings up a lot of memories.
1. Dawn

Title: I Love You  
  
Summary: What if Dawn had come back for one more try at playing mom?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything about the O.C.  
  
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"I'm sorry baby, but you knew it had to end sometime," Dawn states with her eyes pleading, but her words insincere.  
  
"Don't...don't tell me you're sorry. Don't even tell me you're leaving, just go..." Ryan chokes – betrayal clear in his own eyes. All he wants is to get away... but he never gets what he wants.  
  
His mother is standing at the door, unsure how to leave things with the one person who has always put up with her. Nervousness settles in and she bites her bottom lip. It is an unbearably familiar habit for the person who has become almost a stranger to him.  
  
"Just don't mess up with these people okay Ry? You've got a good thing here."  
  
"I don't think you've got the right to talk to me about messing up mom."  
  
Dawn gasps in shock and hurt before quickly nodding and stepping out of the pool house. Ryan waits until he sees her climb into the cab before stiffly turning from the window. He hadn't meant to upset her like that, but she's abandoned him again, and for the last time. He swears this will be the last time; quite sure that three times is enough.  
  
It's almost dinnertime and he dreads telling the Cohens about what happened. Walking from the pool house to the kitchen, he can hear Seth fumbling over explanations for his latest problem – something about Summer, but when it is not? He can see his 'brother' through the kitchen window rambling with hands motions for every word.  
  
"What did you do this time Seth?" he asks once he's reached the trio.  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Seth denies. "Seriously, why do you always think ... okay this is what happened..." but Ryan has tuned out and is staring intently at Kirsten.  
  
He wonders how his life would have been if he'd had her for a mother. Would she have tucked him at night and watched him when he was sick? Would she have told him she loved him, like Dawn did but without the slur of alcohol? Would he have turned out like Seth? It takes him less than a minute to stop thinking about it, knowing that he can't change anything and that it will only depress him further.  
  
Sometime during his reflection, the other three moved to sit at the table and are watching him. Ryan smiles to ease their confusion and sits between Kirsten and Sandy. The concept of a family dinner even now gets to him. Seth is still talking about his date with Summer, and Ryan still isn't listening but he nods at the right times. Then Sandy asks him how his day was and it all goes downhill from there.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," he claims even though he knows that the Cohens won't let him off so easy, they like to talk about things.  
  
"Where's Dawn?" Sandy prods, but there is something in his voice that tells Ryan that he probably already knows.  
  
"She went home for the day."  
  
"She didn't say goodbye," Kirsten disapproves as if proper etiquette is his mother's biggest problem.  
  
"I know..." that was one thing he didn't need to be reminded of.  
  
"Will she be back tomorrow? I wanted to tell her about a job I heard about that I thought she might like," Sandy again with his never ending crusade to save humanity – or maybe just his family.  
  
"No, she won't be back," ever.  
  
"Maybe you could tell her then?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Are you okay man?" Seth this time and with that one question he's got the others worried. Kirsten and Sandy have always trusted Seth's thoughts about Ryan; the two have grown so close in the past few months.  
  
"Yeah, just tired," such an easy lie. The one he used on teachers back in Chino when he actually did show up for school to escape the beatings.  
  
Sandy and Kirsten nod, excepting the lie as truth, but Seth gives Ryan a hard look that shows just how little he believes it. Living on the border of society most of his life has made Seth very observant of other people. Ryan slightly nods to show that he knows there will be more talk later without the parents around.  
  
In the pool house, Seth sits in the chair on the wall by his bed. It's clearly a sign of how important this is – he sat there because it's the wall without windows or pictures so Ryan has to look directly at him when he speaks.  
  
"So what happened?" Cohen is direct and to the point, another sign that he won't let Ryan get away with half answers as he normally does.  
  
"My mom... Dawn decided that the 'mom thing' wasn't for her." Ryan winces at how bitter that came out.  
  
Seth has gone from stern to concern in the span of those eleven words which surprises Ryan slightly. He thought it would Seth to take a minute to figure it all out. Maybe this really was expected and he had been naïve; he'd made himself oblivious.  
  
"Ryan, I'm sorry..." Seth falters, unsure what to say in such a situation. Sorry that your mother left you again but good riddance? Sorry that we all saw this coming and you didn't? Sorry I didn't warn you?  
  
Ryan doesn't care. He's tired of listening to apologies and 'I'm sorry' has never led to anything good. 'I'm sorry' never made him feel any better.  
  
Later, almost asleep in the pool house, Ryan starts thinks about all the lies he's been told. He dad once told him that he would make it up to Trey and him for ruining his third Christmas with a drunken rampage. No Christmas after that had been spent sober. Trey told him once when they were little that he would take him away from his mother and all her abusive boyfriends. As he thinks about that, he figures that Trey actually did do that in his own screwed up way. What he remembers most though, are the nights when Dawn would stumble drunkenly into his bedroom, giggle and tell him that she loved him. Or when she would come to him after A.J. or whoever had beaten him and with a wince tell him not to piss them off again. Right before he allows his thoughts to drift, he decides that the worst lie in the world is "I love you." 


	2. Kirsten

Disclaimer: Once again I don't own anything OC related.

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When Ryan wakes the next morning he immediately notices two things – there is a bowl of cereal on his nightstand and Kirsten is not so secretively watching the pool house from the kitchen window. 

He hadn't wanted her to know about Dawn. He'd hoped that they'd forget she ever existed if he didn't mention her. Realizing that Kirsten and Sandy may have been smarter than he'd given them credit for, he guesses that the two grilled Seth the minute he came into the house last night. Ryan really doesn't blame him for telling. It's hard to lie to people who love you… well he supposes it would be.

Sandy is already at work and Seth is most likely with Summer at the pier. This leaves Ryan with the one person who hadn't wanted him here to begin with. Sighing, he takes his cereal bowl and heads to the kitchen. When she sees Ryan exit the pool house, Kirsten tries to look busy and unaware. Smirking, Ryan thinks that she should have thought of a better cover than cooking food. Not even a stranger would believe she was fixing breakfast with her mumbling to herself about no having French toast when the bread is on the counter directly behind her. 

"Oh hi Ryan, I was just going to cook…"

"How about I make some bacon and eggs?" he suggests, taking pity on the Newport woman. She nods and gets out of his way, glad to get out of a lie she couldn't possibly have gone on with. While Ryan starts the burners, she absorbs herself with making coffee. 

"Yes, that would be… good. Ryan… did you want to talk about…"

"No, not really Mrs. Cohen."

"Kirsten," she corrects. "Well if you ever do…"

"I'll come to you or Sandy."

"Well, if only Seth were this easy to talk to," but Ryan can tell that she's worried. They just breezed through a half an hour speech in about five minutes. 

"This is ridiculous!" she huffs after the tense silence. "When you're mother comes back I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. Imagine leaving her child _again_! What kind of mother…" she cuts herself short and looks worriedly at Ryan, afraid she's spoken too much. 

"She's not coming back. I'm surprised she came this last time. My mother doesn't like doings things that don't work out over and over again Mrs. Cohen."

"Kirsten," she again corrects. "She did it because she loves you Ryan and…" She can't continue after she notices the way his back tensed with the word 'loves.'

"She did because she needs someone. My mother has always needed someone to take care of her. She can't do anything on her own."

"Ryan, I'm sure…"

"I'm sure she loves me too," he adds quickly, but Kirsten can tell that he doesn't really believe it. "If it was only because she loved me, though, she wouldn't have come. She'd have left me alone here, because I'm happy. She knew that the first time around. I fit in okay here."

His last sentence is punctuated by a plate dropping on her left full of bacon. He also sets two plates of eggs down, one that suspiciously looks like two eggs over easy. She doesn't know when he learned that was how she likes them.  It makes her smile.

"You do fit in here, Ryan. We love you very much as well."

The boy from Chino nods, but he wishes she hadn't said the second part. In his experience, 'I love you' is always followed by pain. 

"I thought we could spend the day together," Kirsten continues, oblivious to, or ignoring, his obvious distress. 

"Sure, Mrs. Cohen," he's hesitant but grateful to be fit into her busy schedule. 

"Kirsten, and what would you like to do then?"

"Anything. We can do whatever you need to." 

Kirsten doesn't like the way he always does things just to please them. She struggles to think of something that he would like to do and finds herself embarrassed not to be able to think of one thing. Seth is easy. He likes comic books, skateboarding, sailing, music, and play station. She's seen Ryan do most of those things with Seth, but she's pretty sure he does them just to please her son. He's gone to parties with Marissa, but she's sure that too is something he wouldn't chose to do on his own. Soccer is pretty much the only thing he's shown an interest in yet, and even that was prompted by Sandy and Seth. 

"What did you do in Chino?"

Ryan couldn't have been more surprised. Kirsten spoke the least of his life before Newport. "I went with Trey to parties… and things."

Kirsten isn't surprised to hear that Trey ruled Ryan's life before the car theft. Ryan, it seemed, never got a chance to decide anything for himself. 

"What do **_you_** want to do Ryan?"

"We could go to the Newport Group."

Kirsten nearly strangles him with that suggestion. She thinks that he feels bad about taking time away from her work and that is why he suggested they go there. It takes a few minutes for her to remember that Ryan had seemed interested in what she did when she first explained it. In fact, hadn't he said something about working construction?

"We could go, if you want Ryan." She watches the slow smile creep across his face.

They spend the day walking around the building with Kirsten explaining what each department does. Kirsten also spent her time trying to avoid running into her father, knowing that for some reason Caleb and the boy she thinks of as a son don't get along. 

Dinner that night is calmer and happier than the one that preceded it. Ryan even comments shortly about the day he had and that he might like to do something like that once he is out of school. Kirsten and Sandy are proud to notice that Ryan doesn't falter when he talks about life after he turns eighteen as he once did. He used to believe that they would cut him off once he could survive on his own. 

Kirsten walks out to the pool house later that night, wanting to ask Ryan about a suggestion he'd made about a model they'd seen that day. The lights are all on but she can see Ryan asleep under the covers when she enters. Quietly, she sneaks over to his bed and brushes some hair from his face. He stirs slightly but doesn't open his eyes.

"I love you," Kirsten whispers as she kisses Ryan's forehead.

She then leaves, turning out the light in the process. At the audible click of the door, Ryan smiles and whispers, "I know you do… Kirsten." 


	3. Marissa

Disclaimer: don't own anything, never will. 

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Marissa comes by the next day to see Ryan. Things have been tense between them since Oliver, before then if she's honest, but the Harbor School social chair has needed to lie to herself lately to keep sane. He is just getting ready when she knocks at the window, but she can tell the exact moment he knows that it is her by the tensing of his shoulders and the way his face is blank when he turns to see her. 

"I thought that I could drive you," She falters at the inane excuse, but jingles her keys mid-air as if to prove the point. 

"Seth and I were…"

"Summer and he already left. They went out to breakfast." That little piece of information was handy to have. It was nice to have her best friend dating his best friend-brother.

"Sure Marissa," and as an afterthought, "thanks."

"No problem. I figured that it would give us time to talk." Maybe there was a better way to have said that than just plain blurting it out. His shoulders have tensed again and she can see him forming thousands of ways to not-answer her questions already. 

They walk to her car and while she slides into the driver's side, he lags behind and slowly climbs onto his seat.  The first few minutes are filled with uneasy silence and a slight backdrop of Sex Pistols music from the SUV stereo. Finally she has enough and asks what she really planned to all along. 

"How long are you going to drag this out?"

Ryan looks shocked for a moment and she is happy just to get any kind of reaction from him. "What do you mean?"

"How long until we can be together again? How long until you forgive and forget? How long until we put the past behind us? Take your pick." 

"We can't put the past behind us Marissa. I've done that all my life. I've always given people allowances, always forgiven them for what they've done to me; I just can't do it anymore."

"If you can forgive your mother why can't you forgive me?" She demands, but quickly notices she's hit a nerve by the twitch in his cheek. She's never seen it before, not even at Christmas when she was drunk and they were pulled over by the cops. 

"I forgive my mother because she's family and she has always been that way. I didn't expect her to be any different," he sounds lost, reeling in past memories that he'll never share with anyone here. They'd never understand the way his family worked- the way they survived. "You- you I expected better from. After everything, I expected you to at least trust me enough to be wary of him for a while. Trust me enough to stop looking at him like he was your freaking salvation for just a minute and see that his perfect little world didn't add up, that something wasn't right!" His teeth are clinched and his eyes are wild while he stares at her and for the first time she is afraid of him. 

She never took much stock in the bad boy image, thinking it was just his way to dealing with everything, but now she can see that maybe she's been just as blind about him as she was about Oliver. "What about you Ryan," she asks snidely. She pulls off to the side to really have it out with him. "What about you? Your world doesn't add up. Something is off with you. A lot is off with you! You act like even with your past you're above us all. Don't think I've forgotten about the reason you can here in the first place – stealing cars. What about your little fling with Gabriele? Did you even think how much that hurt me? Breaking into the school, my locker, and beating up Oliver were really smart things to do Ryan. You got suspended…"

"I got suspended trying to protect you from your stalker buddy! The thing with Gabriele was wrong, yeah, but you brought Luke to the party. Do you know how much that hurt _me_? And don't you even try to talk about my life before you met me. You don't know what it was like!"

"You're right; I don't know. I don't know because you never talk about it. You never talk to me!"

"Do you really want to know Marissa? Do you want to know about all the beatings? Do you want to know that Christmas at my house just meant that mom got drunker and my dad hit harder? Tell me. How about all the times I needed to go to a hospital but had to bleed for hours until Trey showed up or my mom came off her high long enough to notice the blood on the carpet? Do you want to know about that too?" Ryan is screaming and crying at the same time and Marissa has started to cry as well. "Do you want to hear that why I hate you drinking so much is because you act just like my mother did when she was drunk? That it causes me to flash back to waking up only to find her grinning above me with a beer in one hand and strangling me with the other all the while telling me that she loved me? That is the reason I can't say that I love you. Do you want to know more? Do you want to know all the times I was burned with cigarettes or hit with bottles? Do you want to know about the time I was stabbed while hanging out with Trey and about how he left me there in the dirt for an hour to get some good coke? 

"Stop it!" Marissa screams above his almost crazed ranking. "Stop it, Ryan! Stop, please, stop!"

"This is why I didn't talk to you Marissa, because you can't handle what I have to say. I fix other people's problems and no one gives a damn about mine. That's how it's always been and it should have just stayed that way." He sounds nearly remorseful about his confession. 

"I can fix that Ryan. Just give us one more chance. Just let's put this all behind us and start over. We'll be perfect again."

"No you'll be perfect again Marissa, I never was to begin with. I can't believe after all this that you still don't get it." His voice is so pained and unbelieving. "I can't make it all go away. Nothing ever goes away for me. I'm sorry that you can't see that. I'm even sorrier that before all this I was ready to tell you I loved you everyday for the rest of my life. The saddest thing is that if only you could understand, I probably would still be ready; but you don't and I can't."

With that he steps out and starts to walk toward the school. Marissa is stuck numb inside the SUV unable to focus on anything except that she thinks she now understands why the words 'I love you' hurt so much. 


End file.
